you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
