the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
I've already started drinking so the earlier you get out of class the more coherent I'll probably be.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
