He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
Started crying to "that's the way it is" by celine. What the fuck uterus?!
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Randomize
