smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Sacagawea was the original milf.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
She literally crushed my balls between her butt cheeks. It was both the greatest and worst thing ever. Dancers are awesome.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
