The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
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