I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Randomize
