I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
It took like and hour to get him in me and then he came in like 2min. Size aint everything
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