Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
last final went out with a bang.. 20 min late bra-less, cum in my hair and i still cant find my shoes.
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