Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
