I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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