Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
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