Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.
Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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