just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
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He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
this dude just showed up to the party with a falcon
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
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Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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