I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
