Just got mistaken for a cardboard cutout ad in line at Taco Bell. New low?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Trying to figure out if I'm the second dude she hooked up with yesterday. I feel like a consolation prize
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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