Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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