the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
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I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
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I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.