I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
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Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
fuck that its my house. if i want to take 1 bite out of the chicken & leave the rest i fucking will. suck my dick
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They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba