so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
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I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
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Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.