i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
Relationship's official after skype sex--college kid at his finest.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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