Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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