I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i think i have herpe
just one?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
