I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I found him in bed on a pullout couch with another dude. He had two empty puke buckets and his empty bottle of jagermeister right by his head.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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