I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Randomize
