Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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