Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
