it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
Yeah you'd pretty much be ruined if you broke up with a guy like that and then had to return to the dating pool
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
