chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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