Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
you got in a fight with your imaginary friend last night when he didn't catch you after a surprise trust fall
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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