I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
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Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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