The maid of honor just puked.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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