Oh just a soda. I'm "driving"
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I wish you could order shots online.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
