He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
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