And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Just say the word and u can be elbow deep in this glorious rack
This is why I love you...
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
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