If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
