I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
But don't worry I didn't actually get stitches, although according to the health center I probably should have
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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