I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I need to stop coming to work sober
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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