Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Girl next to me just ralphed in a bag. Congrats class of 2010
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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