Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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