I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
