I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
