WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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