just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
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