I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
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I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
My breasts were aching with rage.
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I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
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