I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Your tequila is gone. I suggest you bring more home before you go out for dinner. Money is taped to mailbox.
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
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