you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
So the bartender just told me that there was numerous people who saw me having sex on the rooftop last weekend. +1
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Randomize
