Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
Did I show you my penis last night?
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
