Avril Lavigne as a judge on Idol wearing devil ears. it's like every boner you ever had in 2002 just came true.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
