Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
Randomize
