You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
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