Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
