just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
