woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Randomize
