I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
there's no toilet paper. I'm using wheat bread.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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